Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
He felt like a one man threesome
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize