new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
You were trust falling into bushes
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
