I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
