I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
