those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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