she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
