I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
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