Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
