I accidentally burped into my bong.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
