So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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