im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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