Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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