i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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