i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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