yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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