I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
