Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
