I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
