I cannot find my penis.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
