Welp...herpes.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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