apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
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