I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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