your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I want to be your penis for a week.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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