Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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