I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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