Will you blow on my dice?
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
is wine microwaveable?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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