Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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