Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
