yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
