the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
