Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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