Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Randomize
