Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Randomize
