he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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