I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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