I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize