you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
