My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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