your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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