Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize
