My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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