He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
