when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
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