Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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