you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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