We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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