I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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