Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
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