i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
