you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
