My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
