The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
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