Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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