It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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