I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
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