I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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