when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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